Kevin trumps Donald in the ultimate showdown!
Kevin Bacon vs Donald Trump
They both have pinkish complexions, similar haircuts, enjoy wallowing in muck and have been described many times as pigs. But today we ask the question – who really is the better swine? U.S. President Donald Trump or our own Grounds resident pig Kevin Bacon?
It’s true that the similarities are striking, so to get to the (smelly) bottom of this, we needed a more scientific approach. And so we’ve put them side-by-side for a true road test comparison. So, which little piggy will go to market and which little piggy will go wee wee wee all the way home? Let’s find out.
1. PERSONALITY
There aren’t too many people who can say they met Kevin and didn’t like him. He’s just so huggable and that grin is ridiculous. He really is as happy as a pig in mud, and both children and adults get a kick out of seeing him. Meanwhile, Donald claims to know “the best people” but you’ll discover that he actually has difficulty making friends. His early morning twitter rants may have something to do with that.
Verdict: Kevin Bacon
2. ACTING LIKE A PIG
This is one that we were sure that Kevin would win, trotters down. After all, he’s been a pig for as long as he can remember, and before that he was a piglet. But even Kevin is no match for Donald, who has made a living out of treating people in the most gold-plated porcine way possible.
Verdict: Donald
3. WILL MAKE A______A GREAT AGAIN
Donald Trump likes to wear red caps that read “Make America Great Again” – you know, because he’s just an average working class guy. But whether you’re a fan of Donald or not, it remains to be seen whether he will in fact make America great again. Maybe he will, maybe he won’t. Meanwhile however, Kevin has already made Alexandria great again. Before he arrived in 2012, it wasn’t nearly as nice as it is now. Plus, he already has a wall on his southern border – and a pretty brick archway too.
Verdict: Kevin Bacon
4. TWITTER FOLLOWERS
Kevin is not a fan of tweeting – he gets enough of that from Fluffy the macaw next door at The Potting Shed. He much prefers hash browns to hashtags any day and if he wanted to see 140 characters, he’d watch Game of Thrones. Donald J. Trump meanwhile appears to value Twitter as his most valuable form of communication – or at least something to do during his morning toilet time. As a result, he’s amassed 26 million followers. SAD!
Verdict: Donald
And so, at 2-2, we come to the decider:
5. WEALTH
We have examined Kevin Bacon’s assets and found that they consist of a large pile of food scraps, a comfortable home in Alexandria (and hey, it’s hard to buy a place in the inner suburbs of Sydney) and one wheelbarrow. He has also never filed for bankruptcy. As for Donald, well, despite the gold buildings, hotels and jets, he still hasn’t released his tax returns, so he is disqualified.
Verdict: Kevin Bacon
Congratulations to Kevin on his deserving win and h— Wait, what’s this? Donald has just tweeted that this entire blog post was rigged. He’s calling it fake news and that we’re all bad hombres. He wants to see all our birth certificates and any wiretaps we have hidden away. Never mind, it doesn’t matter about the result anyway. We’ll take our resident in the farm house over the President in the White House any day!