BIG KEV’S RESOLUTIONS

It seems that everyone at The Grounds is posting all things related to 2017 at the moment. We’ve got team captain Ramzey Choker posting on goals and Therese Moussa, our Head Stylist, posting on styling trends in 2017. As with all we do at The Grounds, Kevin Bacon our local hog for one got super jealous, as it’s meant to be that he’s the star of the show, and two; felt he had some handy pointers to share with The Grounds family for 2017.

Because he’s so moody, we’ve decided to give him the floor. You know how it is, give him the opportunity and then next time he’ll have to return the favour.

Considering that Kev can’t type (when will they design a keyboard for pigs!?) we decided we’d help a brother out and get the message out there for him. We hope we do all your eloquence & theatrics justice KB!

Here are Kev’s resolutions for the year, he hopes his outlook on life can help his loyal fans.

1. Keep fit

Who hasn’t written that one down? And whose Fitness First membership is already sitting there idle just one month into the year? Kev doesn’t have a membership personally, however, he does have a pretty simple means to keeping fit. We know what you’re thinking, how can a pig look so damn good? Well, Kev swears by walking twice a day – it’s a simple as that. Between frequent rests and feeding, Kev gets out onto the open road to spread his trotters and breathe the fresh air.

This keeps him fit but also keeps him in a great mental state. Being acutely self-aware, he knows he can get a touch on the moody side, so getting outside of the pen helps him to relax, get some Kev time, clear his mind and so, get along with the other animals. Their intelligence seems somewhat lacking by comparison, so having a daily escape means he can think on his own level. This leads to Kev’s next resolution…

2. Work on his relationships with the other animals

It’s no secret that the Animal pen can be a touch chaotic from time to time. There’s quite the variety of crew. Kev knows he’s the leader and tries to keep everyone in check, but every now and then can lose his temper. If you hear a high-pitched squeal, you know Kev has had enough. Normally Naughty (the Goat) is the culprit; always trying to steal the chicken eggs, eat someone’s flowers or climb the fence, she’s constantly up to no good.

Then there’s the chicken’s, whose sole aim in life seems to be to escape into The Garden for a change of scenery. There’s a time and a place, but crashing a wedding is neither of those!

So this year, Kev wants to stay chill and not let the others get under his skin. Those walks will definitely help, but he also has a couple of other strategies up his sleeve that he’s going to try:

a) Ask ‘What can I learn from this?’ Ask yourself this question, can I grow more patient, or understanding by enduring this situation?

b) Talk it out – Kev’s best friend Prema often goes for walks with him. Kev can talk out his frustrations of the day, and Prema can do the same. Sometimes we think it’s more important for Prema to have someone to talk to than Kev…

c) Step Away – Take a deep breath and remove yourself from the situation. That’s why Kev walks. He gets fit and sorts his head space.

3. No Gossip

Did you hear what happened in the animal pen last year? You won’t believe it! Kev just had to get this out of his system before he fully committed to this resolution.

Oh my gosh, so get this… last year there was a rumour that Naughty the Goat was pregnant. This doesn’t seem like the biggest deal apart from the fact that there ain’t no male goat at The Grounds. This got Kev thinking “has she been sneaking out at night to visit a secret man-goat?” He soon deducted that this couldn’t have been possible. If Naughty made it out of the pen, she then needs to get out of The Garden which has an even higher fence. Kev did some research and it turns out that Naughty isn’t a mountain goat, she’s just a regular one. So no climbing for Naughty.

After ruling himself out, Kev realised that Barry White, the artist formerly known as Meryl Sheep (that’s right we got his gender wrong), was the only other feasible male option in the pen. I think you see where this is going… After some digging, he discovered that it is, in fact, possible that a Sheep and a Goat can breed. What the crap!?!? It’s true people, it’s true.

This sent a ripple through The Grounds family. How on earth could this even happen? What does a Sheep-Goat look like you ask? Turns out quite cute – google a Geep.

We called in the vet, and it turns out that Naughty had not at all been doing the naughty, but was simply producing lots of milk! Her udders were swelling as though she was pregnant.

So how did this happen you ask? Someone had been milking Naughty, which encouraged her to produce even more milk, and as soon as you stop milking her, her milk output decreases. Case solved and controversy averted. Now Kev will stop with the gossip.

4. Don’t get kidnapped

Getting kidnapped was rough on Kev, he came back a different pig. He wouldn’t wish that on anyone. He’s happy to be residing in the comfort of his pen. No more adventures!

So there you have it, some solid advice from our true Grounds hero to get you through another year. You can see Kev on his daily walk and join the procession every day at around 11:30am and 1:00pm.